The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
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Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]