Meth is short for Elizameth.
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Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Said the murderer.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.