hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
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Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal