Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
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Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.