Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
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It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶