When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
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In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread