“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
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Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
my proudest tweet
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
how long have you had this for?