8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
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Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Mood.. 😂
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
This 4th of July, please remember…
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer