Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
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-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
based al yankovic
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.