*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
You Might Also Like
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
This fish is cracking me up
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.