Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
You Might Also Like
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Warm pools make me nervous.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
WHO DID THIS?
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.