I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
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DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
just gave your address to some spiders
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G