My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
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I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
*bites zombie*
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.