HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
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I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds