Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
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Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours