[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
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I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out