TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
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When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Current mood: Potato
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body