Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
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Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.