The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
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*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
my nickname in college
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”