Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
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Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
spot the difference
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’