Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
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9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.