My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
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dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?