Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
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just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
dads on road-trips be like
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Dead sexy!!
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING