ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
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How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.