Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
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ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
My favorite farside!!
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
all that yoga finally paid off
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now