Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
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[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂