PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
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Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
figuring out my emotional availability:
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.