I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
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My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin