Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
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“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.