Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
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Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.