Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.