I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
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Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.