‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
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“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”