Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
You Might Also Like
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Real House Wines.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
started wrapping my pills in cheese
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.