Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
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If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
How all things should be taught/explained.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.