Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
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Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.