$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
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LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
<—- homeless romantic
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.