I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
You Might Also Like
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I identify as an antique shop.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater