If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
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I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house