[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
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It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?