Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
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I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
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volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Put a ring on it