I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
You Might Also Like
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
This could be us but you eatin’
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex