That de-escalated quickly
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her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
is this meant to deter me
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity