I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
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“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
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