Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
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reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake