every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
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I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I would like even faster food.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.