Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
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doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
me after eating Cheetos
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.