Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
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COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.