Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
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Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.