Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
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Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
bout dat hot dog summer
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.